It's finally here. I am so excited, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. Yup, you guessed it - it's International Talk Like A Pirate Day!
The only day of the year when you can call your girlfriend "a scurvy bilge rat "or say to your sexy female co-worker: "Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?" Well, you will probably still get slapped in either case, but what the hell. It's worth losing your job to get in some good pirate lingo. You are probably going to get fired soon anyway.
I found out about TLAP Day, as the regulars call it, in September 2005. It was September 22nd or 24th or something like that. Either way, I just missed it last year. Not this year, mateys. I have had it circled on my calendar for months now.
So, holloway on the mun-sail and throw back a pint of grog with me, yee landlubber!
Plus, now we're only a few short weeks away from Scotchtoberfest! Wicked pissah!!!
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Saturday, September 9, 2006
Third World Cup
Yes, I know I am like three months late but I simply have to reply to my boy Skillz wonderful blog about the World Cup. My initial reaction is..........(yawn).
Here are the top three reasons I did not watch any of the Third World Cup:
1) I own an automobile.
2) I am not employed as a landscaper, dishwasher or maintenance worker.
3) My mountain bike is used for recreation, not transportation.
If I wanted to watch people go back and forth and back and forth without accomplishing anything I would simply watch C-SPAN.
Now take your communist ass back to Germany you dirty, motherbitching ass clown!
Actually, at the time I was much more interested in the NCAA College Baseball Championship. I was rooting for two teams - once my University of Maine Black Bears were eliminated - the University of South Carolina Gamecocks and the Oregon State Beavers. Yes, I was hoping it would be the Cocks and Beavers playing for the National Championship. I had the headline all picked out in my mind: "Cocks Pound Beavers for National Title." How cool would it have been to open up the Sunday Post and see that?
Here are the top three reasons I did not watch any of the Third World Cup:
1) I own an automobile.
2) I am not employed as a landscaper, dishwasher or maintenance worker.
3) My mountain bike is used for recreation, not transportation.
If I wanted to watch people go back and forth and back and forth without accomplishing anything I would simply watch C-SPAN.
Now take your communist ass back to Germany you dirty, motherbitching ass clown!
Actually, at the time I was much more interested in the NCAA College Baseball Championship. I was rooting for two teams - once my University of Maine Black Bears were eliminated - the University of South Carolina Gamecocks and the Oregon State Beavers. Yes, I was hoping it would be the Cocks and Beavers playing for the National Championship. I had the headline all picked out in my mind: "Cocks Pound Beavers for National Title." How cool would it have been to open up the Sunday Post and see that?
Friday, May 26, 2006
Ode to A Ho
It was three-hundred
sixty-five days ago,
That I said goodbye
to that dirty ho.
She used to call
ten times a day.
And talk and talk
with nothing to say.
She gave me migraines
and caused me grief.
Now my headaches are gone
what a relief!
The sex I miss some
it was good, not great.
Now it's been months
since I've even had a date.
Do I miss her a little
no, far from it.
Oh yeah, and the drapes
never matched the carpet!
Random Movie Quote:
"They told me to pick up a little blue car. They didn't say anything about a little blue man!" - Big Fat Liar
There Is Nothing Cooler Than:
Carving your initials in the cement in front of your house before it dries.
Failed Advertising Slogan of the Day:
"Cialis - it's for your cock!"
sixty-five days ago,
That I said goodbye
to that dirty ho.
She used to call
ten times a day.
And talk and talk
with nothing to say.
She gave me migraines
and caused me grief.
Now my headaches are gone
what a relief!
The sex I miss some
it was good, not great.
Now it's been months
since I've even had a date.
Do I miss her a little
no, far from it.
Oh yeah, and the drapes
never matched the carpet!
Random Movie Quote:
"They told me to pick up a little blue car. They didn't say anything about a little blue man!" - Big Fat Liar
There Is Nothing Cooler Than:
Carving your initials in the cement in front of your house before it dries.
Failed Advertising Slogan of the Day:
"Cialis - it's for your cock!"
Monday, May 15, 2006
Natural Selection
I grew up in Maine and the beautiful thing about life in the Pine Tree State was a season that I refer to as Natural Selection. It happened every year, just like clock work, it was a phenomenon that you could count on.
Natural Selection would begin in November with the start of hunting season. All the rednecks would take their guns and go out in the woods and look for things to shoot. Rednecks, guns, woods and alcohol are a dangerous cocktail. It didn't take more than a few days for you to hear about the first case of Natural Selection - a hunter shooting another hunter. Bingo! Instantly, there is one less redneck in the gene pool. You could count on a couple more rednecks being taken out of the gene pool by the end of November.
Then, just when you think it's over, Natural Selection would hit its peek in late December or early January. Winter would be getting its icy grip on the land and the rednecks who survived hunting season would switch to snowmobiling. It never took long for a redneck to drive out on a lake and plunge through the ice. One was never enough, you could count on 3 or 4, maybe even 6 or 8 other fools taking themselves out of the gene pool before the ice hardened up.
That is what is wrong with the South, Natural Selection is reduced to hunting season only. This means that too many rednecks are still in the gene pool, knocking up other rednecks and making baby rednecks to carry on. Of course, I have a solution to this problem. :-)
I propose we take all the people who go to sporting events and then call their buddies and wave to them on TV and shoot them. This is going to take some work, perhaps they can create a new Federal Government agency for this purpose. Someone has to watch each televised sporting event and keep track of all the people who wave in the background while the game is going on. Then this info, has to be sent to the arena in real time, so these people can be rounded up before the event ends. You would have to tell them they won some sort of prize and to report to the far, far, far parking lot immediately after the game. Then you shoot everyone who shows up. Bingo, less rednecks in the gene pool. They should start this program immediately at Yankee Stadium.
Natural Selection would begin in November with the start of hunting season. All the rednecks would take their guns and go out in the woods and look for things to shoot. Rednecks, guns, woods and alcohol are a dangerous cocktail. It didn't take more than a few days for you to hear about the first case of Natural Selection - a hunter shooting another hunter. Bingo! Instantly, there is one less redneck in the gene pool. You could count on a couple more rednecks being taken out of the gene pool by the end of November.
Then, just when you think it's over, Natural Selection would hit its peek in late December or early January. Winter would be getting its icy grip on the land and the rednecks who survived hunting season would switch to snowmobiling. It never took long for a redneck to drive out on a lake and plunge through the ice. One was never enough, you could count on 3 or 4, maybe even 6 or 8 other fools taking themselves out of the gene pool before the ice hardened up.
That is what is wrong with the South, Natural Selection is reduced to hunting season only. This means that too many rednecks are still in the gene pool, knocking up other rednecks and making baby rednecks to carry on. Of course, I have a solution to this problem. :-)
I propose we take all the people who go to sporting events and then call their buddies and wave to them on TV and shoot them. This is going to take some work, perhaps they can create a new Federal Government agency for this purpose. Someone has to watch each televised sporting event and keep track of all the people who wave in the background while the game is going on. Then this info, has to be sent to the arena in real time, so these people can be rounded up before the event ends. You would have to tell them they won some sort of prize and to report to the far, far, far parking lot immediately after the game. Then you shoot everyone who shows up. Bingo, less rednecks in the gene pool. They should start this program immediately at Yankee Stadium.
Saturday, May 13, 2006
What Was I Thinking?
I do stupid things from time to time, especially when money is involved. The biggest one over the past year was buying a non-refundable ticket to visit my girlfriend in Hungary - yes, the country. I got a sweet deal on it - $786 American, with Austrian Airlines. (Orbitz, baby.) Of course, me n sweetie are no longer an item so I canceled the flight and I have a $786 credit with Austrian Airlines which expires at the end of July. A lot of good that will do me.
Austrian only flies to one European city from either of their two US Destinations (DC and NYC). If you guessed Vienna, Austria, you are correct-o-mundo! And flights over the summer, the peak travel season to Europe, start at around $2,200. So it looks like I am eating this one unless I wanna add another $1,400 to my losses.
Let's dig out the instant replay:
* I bought a non-refundable ticket
* I chose an airline that has no domestic destinations
* The only place I can fly directly to is Vienna, Austria
* It is gonna cost me another $1,400 to make that happen
What was I thinking? If I had only ponied up the extra $22 for the cancellation insurance, doh! You know what they say: "Hindsight is 20-20" and "Love is blind." I will just toss this one up to Joe Penis. I gotta stop letting him make all my travel plans!
Random Movie Quote:
"I'm gonna call you 'frog'. Cause you're cute like a frog and I wanna jump ya." - Smokey and the Bandit
Rant of The Day:
This one goes out to the ladies. For the love of God, do not shave your eyebrows off and then paint them in. No matter what your "best friend" tells you, it does not look good, it looks RE-TAR-DED!
There Is Nothing Cooler Than:
Hitting a game-winning home run - with a pink bat - with your Mom in the stands on Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!
Austrian only flies to one European city from either of their two US Destinations (DC and NYC). If you guessed Vienna, Austria, you are correct-o-mundo! And flights over the summer, the peak travel season to Europe, start at around $2,200. So it looks like I am eating this one unless I wanna add another $1,400 to my losses.
Let's dig out the instant replay:
* I bought a non-refundable ticket
* I chose an airline that has no domestic destinations
* The only place I can fly directly to is Vienna, Austria
* It is gonna cost me another $1,400 to make that happen
What was I thinking? If I had only ponied up the extra $22 for the cancellation insurance, doh! You know what they say: "Hindsight is 20-20" and "Love is blind." I will just toss this one up to Joe Penis. I gotta stop letting him make all my travel plans!
Random Movie Quote:
"I'm gonna call you 'frog'. Cause you're cute like a frog and I wanna jump ya." - Smokey and the Bandit
Rant of The Day:
This one goes out to the ladies. For the love of God, do not shave your eyebrows off and then paint them in. No matter what your "best friend" tells you, it does not look good, it looks RE-TAR-DED!
There Is Nothing Cooler Than:
Hitting a game-winning home run - with a pink bat - with your Mom in the stands on Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Baseball = Love
The 2006 Major League Baseball season is nearly a month old now and there have been a few surprises so far. I give the Cincinnati Reds the prize for the best start out of the gate this year. 17 wins and 7 losses and they are sitting in 1st place in the National League Central Division. I didn't see that coming. The New York Mets are also in first place with a 16-7 record. But they have spent a butt-load of money over the past few off seasons, so they should be in first place. The big question in the National League East will be can the Atlanta Braves catch them and win the division for the 142nd straight year (or something like that). The answer to that is "probably".
Congratulations to Jonathan (what a great name!!!) Papelbon who just tonight set a record for most saves in a month by a rookie pitcher with 10. The old record of 9 saves by a rookie pitcher was held by some guy who played for the Kansas City Royals. I forget his name, but he saved 9 games in April 2003 for the Royals. I was amazed to learn that the Royals actually won 9 games in a month that recently, they have been uncompetitive for years. Revenue sharing hasn't helped them any.
I feel sorry for: The Pittsburgh Pirates
They are already 10.5 games out of first place on April 29th. It is going to be a long season for my buddy Jerome. Thank goodness he has the Steelers.
Random Movie Quote:
"You can do it, you old sausage." - Chicken Run
Congratulations to Jonathan (what a great name!!!) Papelbon who just tonight set a record for most saves in a month by a rookie pitcher with 10. The old record of 9 saves by a rookie pitcher was held by some guy who played for the Kansas City Royals. I forget his name, but he saved 9 games in April 2003 for the Royals. I was amazed to learn that the Royals actually won 9 games in a month that recently, they have been uncompetitive for years. Revenue sharing hasn't helped them any.
I feel sorry for: The Pittsburgh Pirates
They are already 10.5 games out of first place on April 29th. It is going to be a long season for my buddy Jerome. Thank goodness he has the Steelers.
Random Movie Quote:
"You can do it, you old sausage." - Chicken Run
Sunday, March 26, 2006
Signs of Spring
Anyone who knows me is aware that I totally despise winter. Winter, in my opinion, sucks big moose pee-pee. So I am truly happy that there are signs of spring popping up all around me now that March is on the way out. The first real sign of spring that I always notice is the bright yellow blossoms of forsythia. I started seeing the first few blossoms about two weeks ago and it is in full bloom now for sure. Each year I am always amazed at how much forsythia there is. It is friggin' everywhere, but you only notice it when it is in bloom, those electric yellow blossoms are hard to miss.
I saw a guy mowing his lawn this week, which could be considered a sign of spring, but I just think it was a sign that he is retarded or obsessed with his lawn - or both. The next true sign of spring is coming up on Sunday morning at 2:00am, when we get to spring ahead. Sure we lose an hour of sleep on Sunday but we get an extra hour of daylight after dinner each day for the next 7 months. Sounds like a pretty good trade off to me. So now if I want to shoot some hoops or practice my serve after dinner I can. If I get truly ambitious and dust off the roller blades I can take a roll down suicide hill as late as 9:00pm - Score!
Rant of the Day:
I don't give two squirts of piss that Sabb was founder by aircraft engineers. That little bit of trivia could not be more irrelevant to my life.
Random Movie Quote:
"I'm the guy who killed all the flowers for the Levenstein-Band Geek wedding. Yeah, I'm that guy!" - American Wedding
There is Nothing Cooler Than:
Driving thru Chicago while listening to the Blues Brothers Soundtrack. Sing it with me now: "Baby don't you wanna go......."
I saw a guy mowing his lawn this week, which could be considered a sign of spring, but I just think it was a sign that he is retarded or obsessed with his lawn - or both. The next true sign of spring is coming up on Sunday morning at 2:00am, when we get to spring ahead. Sure we lose an hour of sleep on Sunday but we get an extra hour of daylight after dinner each day for the next 7 months. Sounds like a pretty good trade off to me. So now if I want to shoot some hoops or practice my serve after dinner I can. If I get truly ambitious and dust off the roller blades I can take a roll down suicide hill as late as 9:00pm - Score!
Rant of the Day:
I don't give two squirts of piss that Sabb was founder by aircraft engineers. That little bit of trivia could not be more irrelevant to my life.
Random Movie Quote:
"I'm the guy who killed all the flowers for the Levenstein-Band Geek wedding. Yeah, I'm that guy!" - American Wedding
There is Nothing Cooler Than:
Driving thru Chicago while listening to the Blues Brothers Soundtrack. Sing it with me now: "Baby don't you wanna go......."
Friday, March 3, 2006
Snow Pants
Another cold and windy day today, it did not feel much like spring is on the way. When it is cold and windy I dig out my "snow pants". They aren't actual snow pants, but they are gortex and insulated and black so they absorb the sun. They make being outside on a cold, windy or snowy day less annoying.
For the last month or so, every time I put them on, I think to myself that hopefully this will be the last time I need them for the winter and I can return them to the bottom of my dresser drawer soon. So far, each time I think that, I have been proven wrong within a few days. But I have a good feeling about it now, after all it is March. The odds are pretty good that warmer weather is right around the corner. I hope so, I can't wait to dig out my wifebeaters!
Random Movie Quote:
"I hate to break up the like-fest, but it's prime time for crime time!" - Super Troopers
I Feel Sorry For: Erik Estrada
Hawking Arkansas real estate at 2am, that can't be a good sign. It has all been downhill for him since he quit "CHiPs". No, wait he didn't quit, they cancelled it, oops - my bad.
For the last month or so, every time I put them on, I think to myself that hopefully this will be the last time I need them for the winter and I can return them to the bottom of my dresser drawer soon. So far, each time I think that, I have been proven wrong within a few days. But I have a good feeling about it now, after all it is March. The odds are pretty good that warmer weather is right around the corner. I hope so, I can't wait to dig out my wifebeaters!
Random Movie Quote:
"I hate to break up the like-fest, but it's prime time for crime time!" - Super Troopers
I Feel Sorry For: Erik Estrada
Hawking Arkansas real estate at 2am, that can't be a good sign. It has all been downhill for him since he quit "CHiPs". No, wait he didn't quit, they cancelled it, oops - my bad.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Don't Believe the Hype
You know what I am talking about, the Olympics. This was supposed to be our year, we were gonna be rolling in gold medals, it was practically a sure thing. Names like Miller, Ohno and Kwan were ready to deliver. Bode Miller said he would compete for 5 medals. Nope, he didn't win a thing, he didn't even qualify for a couple of his prime events. I think Bode stands for "Been Out Drinking Everywhere" because that is apparently all he wanted to do in Torino. He even said he wouldn't change a thing if he could do it all over. Dude, do us all a favor and crawl back to where ever you are from. Bode is from New Hampshire, a state that is as overrated as he is.
Not all our efforts were futile though, or in Bode's case non-existent. We won a bronze in curling. I actually watched some curling but I decided it was just a little too boring for me to watch. I think it would keep you on the edge of your seat if you were stoned. The huge rocks they slide down the ice are even called stones, maybe that is why. (I know, the "stones" are actually called "rocks" but the joke doesn't work that way.)
A guy named Seth Wescott won a gold in Snowboardcross, a brand new Olympic sport. Seth is the classic Olympic athlete - honored to be able to compete, proud to represent his country and humble in victory. Oh yeah, Seth Wescott is from Maine. Them Mainers, they are some wicked decent! Come on, don't be shy, say it with me now: Fuck New Hampshire!
Random Movie Quote:
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." - Say Anything
Not all our efforts were futile though, or in Bode's case non-existent. We won a bronze in curling. I actually watched some curling but I decided it was just a little too boring for me to watch. I think it would keep you on the edge of your seat if you were stoned. The huge rocks they slide down the ice are even called stones, maybe that is why. (I know, the "stones" are actually called "rocks" but the joke doesn't work that way.)
A guy named Seth Wescott won a gold in Snowboardcross, a brand new Olympic sport. Seth is the classic Olympic athlete - honored to be able to compete, proud to represent his country and humble in victory. Oh yeah, Seth Wescott is from Maine. Them Mainers, they are some wicked decent! Come on, don't be shy, say it with me now: Fuck New Hampshire!
Random Movie Quote:
"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." - Say Anything
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Almost, So Close, Not Quite....
We were so close, we nearly got through the winter unscathed, until yesterday. The forecast all day Saturday was for 6 to 12 inches of the white stuff. Yucko, that can't be good. No fear, seeing is believing. I have lived in DC long enough to know that just because they predict a foot of snow doesn't mean we will get a foot of snow.
It was looking pretty good last night. When I went to bed around midnight, we only had about an inch of snow. I was stoked. They got it wrong again I thought to myself. I came very close to writing up a blog last night and calling all the weather prognosticators fools. "Crazy dreamers who have nothing else to do but to waste out time." For once I showed some restraint. Good thing!
I woke up this morning and opened up the curtains and this blinding whiteness greeted me. Holy cow, there is friggin' snow everywhere. It must have snowed like crazy after I turned in because we have 10 inches of the white stuff on the ground now. (Yes, I am a dork, I went outside with a ruler and measured.) So, for once they got it right.
The good news is that it is supposed to warm up later this week. 54 degrees on Wednesday, 57 degrees on Thursday and a whopping 60 degrees on Friday. So all this white stuff shouldn't be around for too long. But remember, seeing is believing.
It was looking pretty good last night. When I went to bed around midnight, we only had about an inch of snow. I was stoked. They got it wrong again I thought to myself. I came very close to writing up a blog last night and calling all the weather prognosticators fools. "Crazy dreamers who have nothing else to do but to waste out time." For once I showed some restraint. Good thing!
I woke up this morning and opened up the curtains and this blinding whiteness greeted me. Holy cow, there is friggin' snow everywhere. It must have snowed like crazy after I turned in because we have 10 inches of the white stuff on the ground now. (Yes, I am a dork, I went outside with a ruler and measured.) So, for once they got it right.
The good news is that it is supposed to warm up later this week. 54 degrees on Wednesday, 57 degrees on Thursday and a whopping 60 degrees on Friday. So all this white stuff shouldn't be around for too long. But remember, seeing is believing.
Thursday, February 9, 2006
Mad Money
Ever seen this show on CNBC? It's an hour long show about picking stocks hosted by a guy named Jim Cramer. They play the show like 6 times a day, so you could be flipping channels at 2am and you would have a pretty good chance of running across Mad Money. This show is literally about buying this stock and selling that stock, not something your average American should be doing in my humble opinion.
They definitely named the show correctly, because Jim Cramer is a total mad man. Now don't get me wrong, he knows his stuff and he would probably make you some money if you could sit through his show everyday. That is the part that I can't handle. I can tolerate about 4 minutes of him before I want to gouge my eyes out with a salad fork. He is just a little too excited and cheezy (yes, cheezy with a Z) for me to become a disciple.
As I watch him, I find myself wondering what makes him so over-the-top crazy. Is he just that genuinely excited about stocks and investing? Is he hopped up on crystal meth? Did he just take some Viagra with a Red Bull chaser? I don't have the answer, so you will have to tune in and see crazy Jim for yourself. If you figure it out, let me know. See how many "booyahs" you can stand, my limit is 8.
They definitely named the show correctly, because Jim Cramer is a total mad man. Now don't get me wrong, he knows his stuff and he would probably make you some money if you could sit through his show everyday. That is the part that I can't handle. I can tolerate about 4 minutes of him before I want to gouge my eyes out with a salad fork. He is just a little too excited and cheezy (yes, cheezy with a Z) for me to become a disciple.
As I watch him, I find myself wondering what makes him so over-the-top crazy. Is he just that genuinely excited about stocks and investing? Is he hopped up on crystal meth? Did he just take some Viagra with a Red Bull chaser? I don't have the answer, so you will have to tune in and see crazy Jim for yourself. If you figure it out, let me know. See how many "booyahs" you can stand, my limit is 8.
Wednesday, February 1, 2006
Advertising
It seems to me that advertising these days is getting way out of hand. There is hardly a shred of truth to many of the ads I see on TV on a daily basis.
The one that annoys me the most is the "Tacoma - Meteor Proof" ad in which a Toyota truck is supposedly struck by a meteor (which would actually have burned up in the earth's atmosphere) and comes through without a scratch. Then they flash up "Tacoma - Meteor Proof" on the screen and in tiny little letters on the bottom they tell you this is a dramatization. Uh, yeah, duh. It annoys me that they can get away with even suggesting that their truck is meteor proof. That is total BS. If a meteor hit that truck it would be in sand size fragments scattered for miles and miles. The FCC was on Janet Jackson's boobie like a calf on a teat, so where are they now?
An ad that I actually find offensive - and I am pretty laid back about everything - is an ad for beef jerky. I can't remember the company, so their ad didn't work on me, but they show this helicopter flying low over the Australian bush and all these people running around like wild animals. Then, they start shooting people with tranquilizer guns so they can tag their ears and such. That is some messed up shit right there. How did they let this get on the air? Hello, FCC, stop staring at Janet's nipple, put your pants back on and get back to work.
Another ad that I hate is only on during the holidays, but it is on every year like clockwork. The Lexus ad that asks you to buy your significant other a new car for Christmas. Wait, what - can you repeat that? You want me to what? There is nobody in the world I love more than myself and I wouldn't even buy me a car for Christmas! And people wonder why the U.S. has a zero percent savings rate, hello!
Now if you will please excuse me, I have to get back to "The Champagne of Beers" before it warms up and tastes like feet.
The one that annoys me the most is the "Tacoma - Meteor Proof" ad in which a Toyota truck is supposedly struck by a meteor (which would actually have burned up in the earth's atmosphere) and comes through without a scratch. Then they flash up "Tacoma - Meteor Proof" on the screen and in tiny little letters on the bottom they tell you this is a dramatization. Uh, yeah, duh. It annoys me that they can get away with even suggesting that their truck is meteor proof. That is total BS. If a meteor hit that truck it would be in sand size fragments scattered for miles and miles. The FCC was on Janet Jackson's boobie like a calf on a teat, so where are they now?
An ad that I actually find offensive - and I am pretty laid back about everything - is an ad for beef jerky. I can't remember the company, so their ad didn't work on me, but they show this helicopter flying low over the Australian bush and all these people running around like wild animals. Then, they start shooting people with tranquilizer guns so they can tag their ears and such. That is some messed up shit right there. How did they let this get on the air? Hello, FCC, stop staring at Janet's nipple, put your pants back on and get back to work.
Another ad that I hate is only on during the holidays, but it is on every year like clockwork. The Lexus ad that asks you to buy your significant other a new car for Christmas. Wait, what - can you repeat that? You want me to what? There is nobody in the world I love more than myself and I wouldn't even buy me a car for Christmas! And people wonder why the U.S. has a zero percent savings rate, hello!
Now if you will please excuse me, I have to get back to "The Champagne of Beers" before it warms up and tastes like feet.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Lisa, Lisa (The One I Adore)
Recognize those lyrics? That is from the rhyme master Pauly Shore but the Lisa I am talking about is Lisa Loeb. She is a stone cold, hottie in my humble opinion. Who else ever made you want to date a librarian?
Poor Lisa is looking for love and the E channel must have thrown some duckets at her because they are taping her search. The result is the show "#1 Single" on E. I happened to catch the premiere episode tonight as I was flipping channels. ( I would watch a show about Lisa buying fruit at the store, so I was hooked right away.)
According to the E-online website this is what she is looking for:
"Seek intelligent city guy (NYC or L.A.) between 30-45. Must be smart, funny, sensitive (not wimpy), adventurous and family oriented. Preferably Jewish. No diets, no fake hair. Healthy and active a plus. Must love cats."
So let's see where I stand:
* Intelligent - yes!
* City guy - well, sorta. I live in the burbs, which some people (Charmaine) think are lame, but I can get by in the city.
* NYC or L.A. - ouch, nope. I think NYC is evil, well mostly just the Yankees, and I have never been to Cali.
* Between 30 and 45 - yes! and I am on the low end of the scale, bonus!
* Smart - well yeah!
* Funny - damn straight, I am a friggin' riot!
* Sensitive (not wimpy) - totally me!
* Adventurous - fo' shizzle!
* Family Orientated - ummm, well, potentially!?!
* Preferably Jewish - nope, I dated a Jewish gal though, does that help?
* No diets - OK, you're the boss Lisa.
* No fake hair - no snickers bars on my head, thank you very much.
* Healthy and active a plus - more bonus points for me!!!
* Must love cats - ouch, I have more of a "tolerate" POV on cats.
Dang it!!! It doesn't look like I am Lisa's soul mate. We'd go out for a while, and then she would figure out that I really don't love cats and then she'd break my heart. Maybe she was talking about the musical?
Poor Lisa is looking for love and the E channel must have thrown some duckets at her because they are taping her search. The result is the show "#1 Single" on E. I happened to catch the premiere episode tonight as I was flipping channels. ( I would watch a show about Lisa buying fruit at the store, so I was hooked right away.)
According to the E-online website this is what she is looking for:
"Seek intelligent city guy (NYC or L.A.) between 30-45. Must be smart, funny, sensitive (not wimpy), adventurous and family oriented. Preferably Jewish. No diets, no fake hair. Healthy and active a plus. Must love cats."
So let's see where I stand:
* Intelligent - yes!
* City guy - well, sorta. I live in the burbs, which some people (Charmaine) think are lame, but I can get by in the city.
* NYC or L.A. - ouch, nope. I think NYC is evil, well mostly just the Yankees, and I have never been to Cali.
* Between 30 and 45 - yes! and I am on the low end of the scale, bonus!
* Smart - well yeah!
* Funny - damn straight, I am a friggin' riot!
* Sensitive (not wimpy) - totally me!
* Adventurous - fo' shizzle!
* Family Orientated - ummm, well, potentially!?!
* Preferably Jewish - nope, I dated a Jewish gal though, does that help?
* No diets - OK, you're the boss Lisa.
* No fake hair - no snickers bars on my head, thank you very much.
* Healthy and active a plus - more bonus points for me!!!
* Must love cats - ouch, I have more of a "tolerate" POV on cats.
Dang it!!! It doesn't look like I am Lisa's soul mate. We'd go out for a while, and then she would figure out that I really don't love cats and then she'd break my heart. Maybe she was talking about the musical?
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Born on the 4th of July
Have you ever learned a bit of trivia, a "fact" if you will, that is totally trivial in nature, but really just bums you out. This could be something like your ex is engaged or the guy who replaced you when you got fired from Starbucks is now the general manager of the place. In reality, your life is no worse or no better for knowing this information. It is completely irrelevant, but you feel like crap anyway.
This type of thing happened to me recently. I suppose, the saddest thing about this whole deal is that this small bit of trivia escaped my attention for so long. Perhaps, I heard it once, but I then instantly blocked it from my memory. What has traumatized me so? I recently learned that I share the same birthday as our bumblin', stumblin' president - George W. Bush. Yup, ole W. and I were both born on July 6th.
Now W. has been president for 5 years, so I am amazed that I hadn't heard until recently that we share a birthday. The only other famous person I know who shares our birthday is Sylvester Stallone - the Italian Stallion! Now sharing a birthday with Rocky is pretty cool, but I really don't want to share a birthday, or anything really, with President Bush. So I have decided to celebrate my birthday on July 4th for at least the next couple years. My dad and my brother-in-law both have their birthdays on July 4th, so I figure I can just weasel in and maybe no one will notice.
This type of thing happened to me recently. I suppose, the saddest thing about this whole deal is that this small bit of trivia escaped my attention for so long. Perhaps, I heard it once, but I then instantly blocked it from my memory. What has traumatized me so? I recently learned that I share the same birthday as our bumblin', stumblin' president - George W. Bush. Yup, ole W. and I were both born on July 6th.
Now W. has been president for 5 years, so I am amazed that I hadn't heard until recently that we share a birthday. The only other famous person I know who shares our birthday is Sylvester Stallone - the Italian Stallion! Now sharing a birthday with Rocky is pretty cool, but I really don't want to share a birthday, or anything really, with President Bush. So I have decided to celebrate my birthday on July 4th for at least the next couple years. My dad and my brother-in-law both have their birthdays on July 4th, so I figure I can just weasel in and maybe no one will notice.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Technology
All this technology that we are exposed to is supposed to make our lives better. I am cool with that, I love my digi camera. Heck, I can make my own porn if I want to (and have a willing female companion). But, somebody, somewhere screwed up big time recently. Here's how:
I got an application for the Borders Visa Credit Card from Chase Bank. It says on the application - in big bold letters: "The Visa for Book Lovers!" - this is too funny. All these billions of computers on the planet and nobody ran the old "Does he buy books screen?" before they sent these bad boys out.
The last book I bought was a Stephen King book - sounds respectable right? I know what you are thinking - "His books are huge - like 500 pages. Wow, this guy must love to read." No, not exactly. It was a Stephen King book on The Red Sox - "Faithful" - the story of the 2004 Season. [Screw you Johnny Damon! - sorry, minor tangent there.] "Still, that is a pretty solid sized book", you say. True, but it was a gift - for my mom.
Now it says right on the application, in the tiny print that no one reads, that I was "prescreened" to receive this offer. Next time fellas, run the damn screen and save yourselves 39 cents. Those things on your desks, those are computers and they work best when you turn them on! Now if you will excuse me, I have a date with the shredder.
I got an application for the Borders Visa Credit Card from Chase Bank. It says on the application - in big bold letters: "The Visa for Book Lovers!" - this is too funny. All these billions of computers on the planet and nobody ran the old "Does he buy books screen?" before they sent these bad boys out.
The last book I bought was a Stephen King book - sounds respectable right? I know what you are thinking - "His books are huge - like 500 pages. Wow, this guy must love to read." No, not exactly. It was a Stephen King book on The Red Sox - "Faithful" - the story of the 2004 Season. [Screw you Johnny Damon! - sorry, minor tangent there.] "Still, that is a pretty solid sized book", you say. True, but it was a gift - for my mom.
Now it says right on the application, in the tiny print that no one reads, that I was "prescreened" to receive this offer. Next time fellas, run the damn screen and save yourselves 39 cents. Those things on your desks, those are computers and they work best when you turn them on! Now if you will excuse me, I have a date with the shredder.
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