The Mitchell Report

It seems that professional sports in America are engaged in an ongoing battle to see who is the ultimate anti-roll model for our children. The NHL goes on strike and cancels an entire season, then the NBA admits having a referee who bet on games he officiated, next the NFL has Michael Vick - no further explanation necessary - and now MLB has the Mitchell Report.

For those unfamiliar, the Mitchell Report is a 409 page document that details the use of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs in the business of professional baseball over the past 20 or so years. You can download it for free at www.mlb.com if you are interested.

George Mitchell, a fellow Mainer, and his team of investigators spent approximately 19 months investigating steroid use in baseball. They interviewed players, managers, clubhouse attendants, drug manufacturers, delivery drivers, maids, maintenance workers, landscape contractors........and came up with 92 names linked to the purchase or use of anabolic steroids or other drugs - primarily human growth hormone, HGH for short.

92 names? That's it? That's all you got? I am not impressed. We have been hearing for years that baseball is tainted by steroids. Steroids have made batters stronger, helped pitchers recover faster and changed the game as we know it. If that is true then there should be a lot more than 92 names discovered in an investigation of steroid use over the past 20 baseball seasons. I would need to see hundreds of names to reach this conclusion.

Some of the names are no surprise, some players and former players have admitted to steroid or HGH use - Jose Canseco, Rafael Palmerio, Gary Sheffield, Jason Giambi. Those guys are the classic suspects - power hitters with huge forearms that bashed the ball over the fences. Other names are a bit of a surprise to me - Ricky Bones, Howie Clark, Jason Grimsley, Gary Matthews Jr. - these aren't the guys you'd expect to see. There are a ton of role players, relief and set-up pitchers, middle infielders and starting pitchers named in the list.

Approximately 1,000 people put on a major league baseball uniform over the course of the 2007 season. The report lists approximately 20 players who were active in the 2007 season. If you do the math you see that 0.2% (20/1000) of this years players have been linked to steroids at some time in their career. This does not sound like an epidemic to me.

Maybe it was just the dumbest players who got caught. The ones who wrote out checks to their supplier - David Sequi, Larry Bigbie, Rondell White, Jason Grimsley. The copies of the checks they wrote are shown in the report. Maybe the other players who used were smart enough to cover their tracks by paying cash.

Perhaps this report is like an iceberg. Only 10% of the iceberg floats above the surface of the ocean. The other 90% is below the surface.

It's Ironic:

That DHL is the official express delivery provider of Major League baseball but both times I have ordered something from shopmlb.com this year it has been delivered by UPS.

Random Movie Quote:

"If lovin' the lord is wrong, I don't want to be right!" - Coming to America

Found Porn:

If you happen to find yourself in Troy, Michigan be sure to visit my favorite airport in the world - Big Beaver Airport. It is located off of Big Beaver Road, which is of course exit number 69 on Interstate 75.

Once in a Blue Moon

I am sure you have heard the saying "Once in a Blue Moon". Every now and then something rare and magical happens and that saying is truly appropriate. Today was one of those days. It was Free Taco Day at Taco Bell. For those unaware of this wonderful phenomenon, let me explain. Taco Bell ran a promotion during the World Series (won by my beloved Boston Red Sox) that if any player stole a base in the series America would get a free taco.

They got some good mileage out of this promo as their CEO was even interviewed during Game 1 of the Series to discuss the matter. The players were even talking about it in the dugout during the game. No surprise it was Red Sox players who were discussing the free taco offer, they are a unique and truly laid back bunch of men.

So when Jacoby Ellsbury - pay attention to that name, he will make Johnny Demon look like a retarded schoolboy - stole 2nd base in Game 2 of the Series all of America was an instant winner. That meant everyone in America was entitled to a free taco at Taco Bell. The catch is you had to pick it up today between 2pm and 5pm. No second chances, no rain checks. As I sat in Taco Bell today, wearing my St. Patrick's Day Red Sox shirt, eating my free taco I decided it was the best tasting taco I had ever had. It was the perfect way to put the finishing touches on a second World Series sweep in 4 years for da Sox.

Incidentally, I was so glad the Sox swept the series. I don't know how many more Necco Wafers I could have eaten. I have lost my taste for them completely. I probably won't have another until the next time the Sox are in the playoffs and in need of some magic.

Blog Updates:

We Are All on Drugs:

It is Veramyst that proudly states that Glaucoma is one of the side effects for their drug which treats Allergies. Hmmm, Glaucoma or Allergies? You decide!

Random Occurrences:

It happened again, my ITunes played the same song twice in a row. This time it was Head First by John Waite. I guess this isn't as random as I thought. I think it's more random than my friend Shamun getting picked for the "random" search at the airport but less random than hitting the Pick 6 Lottery.


Random Movie Quote:

"They killed Paco!" - The New Guy

"We Are All On Drugs Yeah.........

.........Never Getting Enough (Never Get Enough)".

Those are the words of the rock band Weezer and I think they are so very appropriate these days. I am not sure that the boys from Weezer are talking about the same kinda drugs that I am referring to - the prescription variety.

Open up a magazine, turn on the TV, go to a sporting event and you will be bombarded with advertisements for a myriad of prescription drugs designed to fix whatever ails you. High blood pressure, heartburn, allergies, dysfunctional penis - anything you can think of now has a drug that will cure it. My favorite is for "restless leg syndrome". Yes, scientists have now come up with a drug that fixes the heebee geebees - pins and needles if you prefer - what a fantastic breakthru!

If you pay attention to the ads, listen to the disclaimers and read the fine print, you will see that the side effects of the drugs are often worse than the symptoms of the ailment it fixes. Saw an ad today for an allergy medicine, I don't remember the name of it right now, I think it began with a V. Anyway, one of the side effects of the drug was Glaucoma. So flowers won't make you sneeze anymore but you may go blind. That is a trade off I am NEVER going to make, who would?

Personally, I wonder what the long term side effects of taking any sort of artificial chemical compounds for a long period of time really are. What unknown harm does taking Clartin for allergies cause your brain, kidneys or liver over a period of 20 or 30 years? Nobody knows the answer to this question just yet. The good news is that millions of unknowing Americans have been turned into guinea pigs and we will eventually have an answer to this question. I am simply glad I am not one of them.

Random Good Thing:

I was driving home the other day and I saw one of the rarest wonders of the automotive world - a DMC. It was heading south and I was heading north, so I didn't have a chance to see if it was Marty or Doc. Brown behind the wheel. Either way, it was nice to see that shiny metallic finish and one line immediately popped into my head: "You built a time machine....out of a DeLorean?"

Government Efficiency!

I know what you are thinking when you read "Government Efficiency" in the title line of this post - Oxymoron! It is right up there with Jumbo Shrimp, Senate Ethics, Plastic Glasses and so on. While that is certainly true it is not where I am going with this one. I have an actual example of government efficiency I wish to share.

A couple weeks ago I noticed that VDOT (Virginia Department of Transportation) had come along and painted some marks here and there in my neighborhood. I knew what they were for as soon as I saw them. They marked the spots where VDOT would install new road signs. There didn't seem to be any pattern or logic to their placement so I was mystified as to what they needed to suddenly regulate. I could only wait until they magically appeared.

The wait is over - shiny, new No Parking signs sprung up magically overnight on Friday. And today shiny, new parking tickets adorn the cars who are now in violation of this sudden new regulation. Signs go up on Friday and tickets are issued on Saturday - talk about efficiency. Still, seems like that is a pretty shitty thing to do to people with no advanced warning. There were no public notices of this impending change, no warning letters or stickers were left on cars who were destined to be in violation.

I feel bad for the family who might have taken off for vacation on Thursday. How many parking tickets will greet them when they get back into town? Only time will tell, but they certainly aren't much of a welcome home present.

August 21, 2007

Song Lyric of the Day:

"I was flying back from Lubbock, I saw Jesus on a plane. Or maybe it was Elvis, you know they kinda look the same."

Artist: Don Henley

Song: If Dirt Were Dollars

Album: The End of the Innocence

Why It's In My Brain:

I was in line at the post office today. Minding my business, just waiting to mail a package, when I heard it. That voice! It was unmistakable. It was the voice of The King - Elvis Presley. I instantly looked up to see where it was coming from. There he was, a big, hulking man at the counter in a red shirt. Nope, way too young to be the King. He could be The King's secret love child though. So, that is something.

Random Good Thing:
After seeing Elvis's secret love child at the post office I got every green light on the way home. That is four straight green lights in the middle of suburban commuter hell on a Tuesday afternoon - pretty solid!

Numbers

Every August I head North to the Pine Tree State for my family's annual camping trip. Here are some relevant numbers from the 2007 edition:

3 - the number of moose I saw during my 4 day visit to the Maine woods.

8 - miles from our campground to the nearest paved road.

9 - the cost in dollars, per person, per night for our lodging in a three sided lean-to.

11 - total number of aunts, uncles, cousins, cousins-in-laws and first cousins once removed (that is your cousin's kids, in case you were curious) that made the trip.

25 - number of miles I hiked during the trip. (Not to shabby, eh?)

45 - the temperature INSIDE my lean-to at 6:00am Monday, August 6th.

86 - the high temperature on Saturday, August 4th, the day I hiked 12 miles.

Infinite - the number of stars you could see after dark while lying down in the grass in the campground's picnic area. (I totally get the whole Milky Way thing now.)

King of the Road

Just got back from a much needed two-week vacation. Put about 2,000 miles on the beemer over the past 15 days. I got a little road weary from time to time but for the most part had a fun trip.

To keep my sanity as I motored up and down the highway I tried to come up with travel slogans for the various states I visited. Perhaps I was a bit jaded by exhaustion or fumes but here is what I came up with:

Maine: "Fun for a week, but you wouldn't want to live here."

New Hampshire: "You have to drive through us to get to Maine."

Massachusetts: "Hey, at least we aren't New York!"

Connecticut: "Everything costs more in Connecticut."

New York: "Hey, at least we aren't Massachusetts!"

New Jersey: "Come see if you can figure out what that smell is."

Delaware: "Welcome to Delaware, now give us your wallet!"

Maryland: "Nothing memorable will happen to you in Maryland."

Virginia: "No radar detectors allowed, but bring your shotgun!"


Random Movie Quote:

"You have shown me a life I could only dream about back home while masturbating in my father's woodshed." - Van Wilder

What's In Your Wallet?

You've seen the ads with the vikings pillaging hither and yonder. Taunting and stealing from the poor, common village folk. Then they look in the camera and say "What's in your wallet?"

But before you apply, let me tell you about my experience with Capital One. I have had a Capital One card for years but I don't use it much anymore. American Express gets the majority of my business these days and will continue to for the foreseeable future. Although, there are still plenty of places that don't take Amex - the entire state of Maine for instance - so it never hurts to have a backup.

I got a letter in April from Capital One with an offer for a balance transfer of 0% until September 2008. It said the only cost is a 2% upfront transaction fee, a pretty reasonable deal. They need to make a profit, I understand. "Sign me up for some of that" I thought to myself. So I promptly stroked a check for $4,800 to knock out all my existing credit card debt, mailed it off and never gave it another thought. Until today.

Today I was perusing my June 2007 Capital One statement and low and behold it shows an interest rate of 18.21% on the balance I transferred over. 18.21% is not 0%, not even close. My initial thought was "What the fuck?" My next thought was: "Where is the phone?"

I dialed Capital One at 10:31pm EST, it took me approximately 3 minutes to navigate through their phone maze to get to an actual person. (Just press zero a bunch of times and you will usually cut the wait time way down.) At 10:34pm Fiola answered the line and I explained my problem to her - got a letter, zero percent til September 2008, being charged 18.21% instead. At first she said they did not have any offers like the one I mentioned. When I offered to fax her a copy of the letter - "because I have it in my hand" - she put me on hold to "research" things. She came back on the line to tell me that she would transfer me to a senior associate who could help me. (Skillz - that's level 2 to you.)

So, 9 more minutes on hold - thank god for speaker-phone - and Myriam came on the line at 10:46pm EST. Again, I explained the situation. She was very familiar with the offer I was referring to, it is a very popular offer for the company. So it does exist, amazing! She said there was an "error" and I was mistakenly charged the wrong rate for the balance transfer. She "corrected" the error and the proper interest rate of 0% will appear on my July statement and they will credit back the $88.17 in interest they charged me this month.

I am not officially closing the books on this one until I get my July Capital One Statement. I actually remember seeing a news article on Capital One on Dateline NBC or some other similar show a couple years ago. They are famous for doing this kind of stuff. Now you know how they operate, don't let them, or any credit card company, pull this type of crap on you!

It's Ironic:

That the people who have the license plate with the picture of the deer on it are the people who shoot deer.

Congratulations to:

Oregon State - Back to back National Championships in NCAA Division One College Baseball. If you go for the three-peat, please play South Carolina. Then I would have my dream of the "Cocks" and "Beavers" fighting it out for the National title. Is that too much to ask?

The saying goes....

...no good deed goes unpunished, but is it really true? I am gonna have to give you a "definite maybe" (oxymoron or what?) on that one. I spent Saturday morning picking up trash as part of the 19th annual Potomac Cleanup. That's www.potomaccleanup.org for anyone interested enough to web surf.

Three hours of picking up cans, bottles, candy bar wrappers, shoes, straws, plastic bags and anything else you can think of. My favorite item was the "No Parking" sign I found in the middle of the woods. It was still attached to its metal signpost but it had obviously seen better days. Silly me - in the woods without any bolt cutters - so this fine wall decoration simply ended up with the rest of the trash.

Now the world is a little bit cleaner than it was on Friday and that makes me feel good. But boy, do I have some sore muscles today. Apparently the muscles you use to pick up trash are not the same ones you use to walk, lift weights or use the stepper. These are all part of my normal exercise routine but they did not prepare me for the endless repetition of bending over, again and again. Who knew you had to cross train to get in shape to pick up litter!?!

Signs of Spring

On a day like today, when the snow is coming down, I like to reflect on any recent signs of spring to remind myself that winter will eventually end. I saw a bunch of Robins last week here in tropical C'ville. I am not talking one or two, but probably 12 to 15 of the little guys and gals. They were out and about on one of our teaser, warm, spring-like days last week. They were bopping around, enjoying the sun and doing whatever else robins do. Some might consider that a sign of spring, but you will see robins on pretty much any warm, winter day here in NoVa. That could happen as easily in November or January as it does in March. I think they must spend winter here too, so seeing them mulling around is probably not an actual sign of spring.

The only definite sign of spring that I am 100% sure about has to deal with the Boston Red Sox. Last week the Sox played the Twins and the game ended in a tie. Each team had 4 runs scored in 9 innings of play but no extra innings were played. That only happens in February and March, games do not end in ties in April, July or October. Those games have extra innings and a winner and a loser. Spring Training is not really about winning and losing. It is about finding your hitting stroke and getting the velocity up on your fastball. It's the only time of the year where the score is incidental. A tie game is the ultimate example of that fact and a true sign of spring. Wahooo!


Weather Report:

Mother Nature is a dirty, dirty whore!!!


Nothing Cooler Than:

Hitting a walk-off grand slam in the bottom of the 9th inning to give your team the victory. Congratulations, Ed Rogers!

How Much Would It Take?

I was watching an episode of my guilty pleasure TV show recently - Beverly Hills 90210. Go ahead and laugh and before you ask, no I don't masturbate to Tori Spelling. Anyway, on the show Donna's mom offered a guy Donna was dating $10,000 to drop out of her life. This guy Ray (Jamie Walters) didn't take the money, he was just so in love he could not be bought. The thing is, Ray and Donna had only been going out a few weeks, so how in love could they really have been at that point? So that got me thinking, how much would it take?

I am thinking if someone offered me ten large to stop seeing some girl I had only been dating a few weeks I would probably do a Steve Miller Band - "Take The Money and Run". Sure, I might be missing out on the love of my life, but I would have a whole bunch of dead presidents to keep me company. You can call me a sellout or a man-whore or say I am not romantic if you want but I bet you have a price too.

Offhand I am not particularly worried that I will actually have to test out this theory. One thing at a time, a 3rd date would be a nice change of pace at this point.


Random Movie Quote:

Goodnight you princes of Maine. You kings of New England." - The Cider House Rules

Thank You!

Sunny and 52 degrees at 11:30am. Thank you Mother Nature, Thank You!


Failed Advertising Slogan of The Day:

"Discover Card - Accepted at even less places than American Express."

Enough Already!!!

There is only one way to describe the weather this week - COLD AS BALLS! Yes, it is very vulgar and totally graphic, but it is also pretty darn accurate. I simply calls 'em how I sees 'em.

Everything is frozen solid out there. I had to use a HAMMER today to break up all the ice and snow before I could dig out my car. A HAMMER!!! It is so cold that you can walk ON TOP of the snow. Today I actually saw a HUMMER parked on top of the snow. Not in the snow, not next to the snow, ON TOP OF THE SNOW! A HUMMER!!! If I lived in Fargo or Detroit or Caribou I would expect this kinda thing, but this is DC. It is not supposed to get this cold here - ever!

OK, we get it. You have made your point, but enough already!!! You want me to say it? Is that what it's going to take? Fine, I admit it. Global warming is just some hoo-haa a bunch of scientists made up so they could get more Government grants. Are you happy now Mother Nature?

Please forward my mail to Arizona Bay, AZ 82731.


Random Movie Quote:

"Dude, you smell like a yeti." - American Pie


Best Name in College Hockey:

Brett Motherwell, Sophomore Defenseman, Boston College

Random Occurances

Every now and then something will happen that is so totally random. A couple weeks back I was sitting at a red light, waiting to make a left hand turn. Before the light went green for me the pedestrians got the right of way and made their way past my car. A pretty normal suburban scene until a gal walked by toting a unicycle. I wasn't on my way to or from the circus. I was actually on the way home from the post office. She wasn't riding the unicycle, she was simply toting it beside her as she walked. To me, this implied she was waiting to ride it at some kind of special occasion that awaited her down the road. I could not even imagine what that could be in January, in Centreville. I also couldn't remember the last time I saw anyone with a unicycle before then, still can't even now. Who knows, maybe the circus winters in C'Ville.

Today another random and totally unrelated thing occurred. I had the ole iTunes on shuffle and it decided to play the same song twice in a row. I have noticed that iTunes has a tendency to repeat songs in short order. Quite often it will play a song and then try to repeat it a mere 5 or 6 songs later. But the odds that it would select one particular song from the thousands of songs available and then select it again as the next song just boggle my mind. That is about as random as things get. Normally I would simply skip a song that had recently been played in shuffle mode the next time it came up. But today, I listened to "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray twice in a row. I figure something that random deserves some recognition.

"It was like deja vu all over again."

We Always Rock Washington!?!

What the hell happened to 94.7 The Arrow? They have suddenly gone all hippie on us all and become 94.7 The Globe. If that isn't a total suck-up to the aging baby boomers I don't know what is. The music just isn't the same now either, they are playing some obscure and fruity stuff all of the sudden.

Obviously, this isn't a big of a shock as the day that WHFS became El Taco - or whatever 99.1 is now. I remember that day. 8:59am they were on the air as WHFS - still speaking English - and 9:00am they signed on in Spanish as something else. Talk about being thrown for a loss. I was totally clueless and all day long I kept flipping the dial back to 99.1 expecting to hear some Foo Fighters but no dice. It was gone, vanished like to Colts to Indianapolis on that cold night in March 1984. All I can say is thank god for my iPod!


Random Fact of The Day:

The energy saved by recycyling one aluminum can is enough to run your TV for 3 hours.

John Mellencamp Is A Whore

It's true, admit it. You know EXACTLY what I am talking about. His next album comes out on January 23, 2007 but we have been absolutely BOMBARDED with that song of his since September. It's in every Chevy truck commercial and Chevy apparently advertises during EVERYTHING. Either they are not familiar with the concept of target marketing or their target is "everybody with a pulse". If you have seen any sporting event over the past four months you could not escape hearing that G-D song.

I am a mild sporting enthusiast, I watched the MLB playoffs and an occasional football game, but that's about it. Even with that relatively small sample of sporting event advertising I am utterly sick of that damn song. I was sick of it long before the World Series had even begun.

When he came out and sung that G-D song before one of the MLB playoff games I had to hold back the vom. (You can't tell, but I just threw up a little in my mouth as I was typing.) I can't imagine if I was a sports nut who watched baseball, football, hockey, basketball, college sports, Sportscenter and the like. I would have shot myself by now.

I have always been a fan of John Cougar Mellencamp - JCM for short. I have several of his albums in my collection. I still pull out my Scarecrow cassette and fire it up every now and then. It's that good of an album. But those days are over. He has whored out his new song so much that I just can't take it anymore. It's to the point now that if I hear one of his songs on the radio I change the channel. JCM is dead to me, his soul went to the highest bidder.


Failed Advertising Slogan of The Day:

Even Dykes Love Dick's Sporting Goods!



Random Movie Quote:

"Raise your hand if your brother's a homo!" - Just Friends