The saying goes....

...no good deed goes unpunished, but is it really true? I am gonna have to give you a "definite maybe" (oxymoron or what?) on that one. I spent Saturday morning picking up trash as part of the 19th annual Potomac Cleanup. That's www.potomaccleanup.org for anyone interested enough to web surf.

Three hours of picking up cans, bottles, candy bar wrappers, shoes, straws, plastic bags and anything else you can think of. My favorite item was the "No Parking" sign I found in the middle of the woods. It was still attached to its metal signpost but it had obviously seen better days. Silly me - in the woods without any bolt cutters - so this fine wall decoration simply ended up with the rest of the trash.

Now the world is a little bit cleaner than it was on Friday and that makes me feel good. But boy, do I have some sore muscles today. Apparently the muscles you use to pick up trash are not the same ones you use to walk, lift weights or use the stepper. These are all part of my normal exercise routine but they did not prepare me for the endless repetition of bending over, again and again. Who knew you had to cross train to get in shape to pick up litter!?!

Signs of Spring

On a day like today, when the snow is coming down, I like to reflect on any recent signs of spring to remind myself that winter will eventually end. I saw a bunch of Robins last week here in tropical C'ville. I am not talking one or two, but probably 12 to 15 of the little guys and gals. They were out and about on one of our teaser, warm, spring-like days last week. They were bopping around, enjoying the sun and doing whatever else robins do. Some might consider that a sign of spring, but you will see robins on pretty much any warm, winter day here in NoVa. That could happen as easily in November or January as it does in March. I think they must spend winter here too, so seeing them mulling around is probably not an actual sign of spring.

The only definite sign of spring that I am 100% sure about has to deal with the Boston Red Sox. Last week the Sox played the Twins and the game ended in a tie. Each team had 4 runs scored in 9 innings of play but no extra innings were played. That only happens in February and March, games do not end in ties in April, July or October. Those games have extra innings and a winner and a loser. Spring Training is not really about winning and losing. It is about finding your hitting stroke and getting the velocity up on your fastball. It's the only time of the year where the score is incidental. A tie game is the ultimate example of that fact and a true sign of spring. Wahooo!


Weather Report:

Mother Nature is a dirty, dirty whore!!!


Nothing Cooler Than:

Hitting a walk-off grand slam in the bottom of the 9th inning to give your team the victory. Congratulations, Ed Rogers!

How Much Would It Take?

I was watching an episode of my guilty pleasure TV show recently - Beverly Hills 90210. Go ahead and laugh and before you ask, no I don't masturbate to Tori Spelling. Anyway, on the show Donna's mom offered a guy Donna was dating $10,000 to drop out of her life. This guy Ray (Jamie Walters) didn't take the money, he was just so in love he could not be bought. The thing is, Ray and Donna had only been going out a few weeks, so how in love could they really have been at that point? So that got me thinking, how much would it take?

I am thinking if someone offered me ten large to stop seeing some girl I had only been dating a few weeks I would probably do a Steve Miller Band - "Take The Money and Run". Sure, I might be missing out on the love of my life, but I would have a whole bunch of dead presidents to keep me company. You can call me a sellout or a man-whore or say I am not romantic if you want but I bet you have a price too.

Offhand I am not particularly worried that I will actually have to test out this theory. One thing at a time, a 3rd date would be a nice change of pace at this point.


Random Movie Quote:

Goodnight you princes of Maine. You kings of New England." - The Cider House Rules

Thank You!

Sunny and 52 degrees at 11:30am. Thank you Mother Nature, Thank You!


Failed Advertising Slogan of The Day:

"Discover Card - Accepted at even less places than American Express."

Enough Already!!!

There is only one way to describe the weather this week - COLD AS BALLS! Yes, it is very vulgar and totally graphic, but it is also pretty darn accurate. I simply calls 'em how I sees 'em.

Everything is frozen solid out there. I had to use a HAMMER today to break up all the ice and snow before I could dig out my car. A HAMMER!!! It is so cold that you can walk ON TOP of the snow. Today I actually saw a HUMMER parked on top of the snow. Not in the snow, not next to the snow, ON TOP OF THE SNOW! A HUMMER!!! If I lived in Fargo or Detroit or Caribou I would expect this kinda thing, but this is DC. It is not supposed to get this cold here - ever!

OK, we get it. You have made your point, but enough already!!! You want me to say it? Is that what it's going to take? Fine, I admit it. Global warming is just some hoo-haa a bunch of scientists made up so they could get more Government grants. Are you happy now Mother Nature?

Please forward my mail to Arizona Bay, AZ 82731.


Random Movie Quote:

"Dude, you smell like a yeti." - American Pie


Best Name in College Hockey:

Brett Motherwell, Sophomore Defenseman, Boston College

Random Occurances

Every now and then something will happen that is so totally random. A couple weeks back I was sitting at a red light, waiting to make a left hand turn. Before the light went green for me the pedestrians got the right of way and made their way past my car. A pretty normal suburban scene until a gal walked by toting a unicycle. I wasn't on my way to or from the circus. I was actually on the way home from the post office. She wasn't riding the unicycle, she was simply toting it beside her as she walked. To me, this implied she was waiting to ride it at some kind of special occasion that awaited her down the road. I could not even imagine what that could be in January, in Centreville. I also couldn't remember the last time I saw anyone with a unicycle before then, still can't even now. Who knows, maybe the circus winters in C'Ville.

Today another random and totally unrelated thing occurred. I had the ole iTunes on shuffle and it decided to play the same song twice in a row. I have noticed that iTunes has a tendency to repeat songs in short order. Quite often it will play a song and then try to repeat it a mere 5 or 6 songs later. But the odds that it would select one particular song from the thousands of songs available and then select it again as the next song just boggle my mind. That is about as random as things get. Normally I would simply skip a song that had recently been played in shuffle mode the next time it came up. But today, I listened to "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray twice in a row. I figure something that random deserves some recognition.

"It was like deja vu all over again."

We Always Rock Washington!?!

What the hell happened to 94.7 The Arrow? They have suddenly gone all hippie on us all and become 94.7 The Globe. If that isn't a total suck-up to the aging baby boomers I don't know what is. The music just isn't the same now either, they are playing some obscure and fruity stuff all of the sudden.

Obviously, this isn't a big of a shock as the day that WHFS became El Taco - or whatever 99.1 is now. I remember that day. 8:59am they were on the air as WHFS - still speaking English - and 9:00am they signed on in Spanish as something else. Talk about being thrown for a loss. I was totally clueless and all day long I kept flipping the dial back to 99.1 expecting to hear some Foo Fighters but no dice. It was gone, vanished like to Colts to Indianapolis on that cold night in March 1984. All I can say is thank god for my iPod!


Random Fact of The Day:

The energy saved by recycyling one aluminum can is enough to run your TV for 3 hours.

John Mellencamp Is A Whore

It's true, admit it. You know EXACTLY what I am talking about. His next album comes out on January 23, 2007 but we have been absolutely BOMBARDED with that song of his since September. It's in every Chevy truck commercial and Chevy apparently advertises during EVERYTHING. Either they are not familiar with the concept of target marketing or their target is "everybody with a pulse". If you have seen any sporting event over the past four months you could not escape hearing that G-D song.

I am a mild sporting enthusiast, I watched the MLB playoffs and an occasional football game, but that's about it. Even with that relatively small sample of sporting event advertising I am utterly sick of that damn song. I was sick of it long before the World Series had even begun.

When he came out and sung that G-D song before one of the MLB playoff games I had to hold back the vom. (You can't tell, but I just threw up a little in my mouth as I was typing.) I can't imagine if I was a sports nut who watched baseball, football, hockey, basketball, college sports, Sportscenter and the like. I would have shot myself by now.

I have always been a fan of John Cougar Mellencamp - JCM for short. I have several of his albums in my collection. I still pull out my Scarecrow cassette and fire it up every now and then. It's that good of an album. But those days are over. He has whored out his new song so much that I just can't take it anymore. It's to the point now that if I hear one of his songs on the radio I change the channel. JCM is dead to me, his soul went to the highest bidder.


Failed Advertising Slogan of The Day:

Even Dykes Love Dick's Sporting Goods!



Random Movie Quote:

"Raise your hand if your brother's a homo!" - Just Friends

Hooray........Responsibility!

So I finished up my Christmas shopping on December 20th this year, the earliest ever. I hate to admit it, but I appear to be getting more responsible as I age. I even got the last of my holiday cards in the mail on Monday, December 18th, also pretty solid for me.

It seems to me that only a few short years ago I wouldn't even begin Christmas shopping until the 21st or 22nd. What has happened to the good ole days of running to the mall on December 23rd, fighting for a parking spot and then trying not to knock people over as I bustle through the mall with all my parcels. Good ole days indeed.

I have noticed that I am not the only one who is getting responsible. Back in the day, I could count on a funny holiday card from my best bud Kevin. Something with a farting reindeer on the front or some tawdry reference to Santa's hos. No more my friend. Now Kevin and his family have crossed over to the dark side. They send me one of those photo cards with a picture of the kids on it. I can't stand those god damn picture cards. That is a total kop-out.

I get more and more of those damn things every year. And it is always the same, just the kids on there in some holiday sweaters or with some fake trees and snow in the background. Why aren't mom n dad dressed up and on the darn thing? I know what your kids look like, they are not that attractive. I could deal with a picture of the whole family, that would actually be nice. But it is always just the tricycle motors in the photo. The caption always reads "Happy Holidays" or "Seasons Greetings". Generic enough to be un-genuine and non-offensive at the same time. I say keep the picture card and bring back the farting reindeer!

Opinion Confirmed!

I have long had the opinion that NASA is the biggest piece of fatback in our pork laden Federal government. We spend billions upon billions year after year to send satellites on journeys to places they will never come back from. Places we will never visit, places without atmospheres, water or cable TV. Can there be a bigger waste of the taxpayers money? Well, maybe the War on Terror which has somehow landed us in Iraq. A country that did not have toothpaste or toilet paper nonetheless WMDs.

Now I understand there is a scientific purpose for some of the things NASA does and I am cool with that. However, I think they could accomplish all the "critical" exploration with probably 2% of their current budget. Just scrap the rest of it. We don't need an International Space Station. What we actually need is to figure out how to colonize the moon so when this planet is toast we will have somewhere to go.

The latest proof that the ISS is a complete waste of money is that they are getting ready to launch a golf ball into space on an upcoming space walk on Wednesday. Yes, you read that correctly, part of our tax dollars are going so that an astronaut - actually a cosmonaut because a Ruski is doing the swinging - can launch a golf ball into the final frontier. For Christ's sake, if we are paying for it at least let an American hit the damn thing! Is that too much to ask? The Ruski doesn't even play golf, he had to train specifically for this mission, how sad is that?

Imagine what 98% of NASAs budget could do to improve education, restore New Orleans, find alternative energy sources or for cancer research. Just don't let those War on Terror people have the money, who knows how many more countries they will invade with it.

Footnote: When I ran this post through the spell-checker it wanted to replace "NASA" with "Nauseas". Enough said.

Holi-daze

I remember growing up how much I hated Labor Day because it meant that summer was over for sure and it was back to school the next day. But once that was behind me, it was only a few short weeks to Halloween. Halloween was cool because I got free candy. I believe in anything that gives me presents, candy or money - tooth fairy, Santa Claus, porn fairy - it's all good in my book. Even as an adult I enjoy Halloween. A chance to dress up in a Ron Burgundy costume, get drunk and act like an ass for 6 hours - what is not to love?

Then of course came Thanksgiving, a chance to reflect on the year, spend time with family and be glad to be an American, with my humblest apologies to the natives of course. Something we always had at Thanksgiving was those little square after dinner mints. You know the ones in pastel colors of pink, white yellow and green. They just melted in your mouth. To this day, I can go to my mom's house and she will have a dish of those out for Turkey Day. They are conspicuously absent the rest of the year however.

Then along came Christmas, we always put the tree up the first weekend of December. It was a fake tree because my brother was allergic to the real thing. Up went the advent calendar and we began the countdown to Christmas - 25 days, 24, 23.... Shopping downtown and at the mall, it was fun for the whole family.

So what happened? Now Christmas is acting like some strung out whore, offering up hummers on the sidewalk. You walk into Tar-mart on October 23rd looking for Halloween candy and sure enough there she is all hopped up on tinsel begging you to squeeze her tits. No Christmas, I don't want to feel your tits! Yes, they are very nice. Now put them away and stop acting like such a whore!!!

Arggg, Ye Mateys!

It's finally here. I am so excited, I feel like a kid on Christmas morning. Yup, you guessed it - it's International Talk Like A Pirate Day!

The only day of the year when you can call your girlfriend "a scurvy bilge rat "or say to your sexy female co-worker: "Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?" Well, you will probably still get slapped in either case, but what the hell. It's worth losing your job to get in some good pirate lingo. You are probably going to get fired soon anyway.

I found out about TLAP Day, as the regulars call it, in September 2005. It was September 22nd or 24th or something like that. Either way, I just missed it last year. Not this year, mateys. I have had it circled on my calendar for months now.

So, holloway on the mun-sail and throw back a pint of grog with me, yee landlubber!

Plus, now we're only a few short weeks away from Scotchtoberfest! Wicked pissah!!!

Third World Cup

Yes, I know I am like three months late but I simply have to reply to my boy Skillz wonderful blog about the World Cup. My initial reaction is..........(yawn).

Here are the top three reasons I did not watch any of the Third World Cup:

1) I own an automobile.

2) I am not employed as a landscaper, dishwasher or maintenance worker.

3) My mountain bike is used for recreation, not transportation.

If I wanted to watch people go back and forth and back and forth without accomplishing anything I would simply watch C-SPAN.

Now take your communist ass back to Germany you dirty, motherbitching ass clown!

Actually, at the time I was much more interested in the NCAA College Baseball Championship. I was rooting for two teams - once my University of Maine Black Bears were eliminated - the University of South Carolina Gamecocks and the Oregon State Beavers. Yes, I was hoping it would be the Cocks and Beavers playing for the National Championship. I had the headline all picked out in my mind: "Cocks Pound Beavers for National Title." How cool would it have been to open up the Sunday Post and see that?

Ode to A Ho

It was three-hundred

sixty-five days ago,

That I said goodbye

to that dirty ho.



She used to call

ten times a day.

And talk and talk

with nothing to say.



She gave me migraines

and caused me grief.

Now my headaches are gone

what a relief!



The sex I miss some

it was good, not great.

Now it's been months

since I've even had a date.



Do I miss her a little

no, far from it.

Oh yeah, and the drapes

never matched the carpet!



Random Movie Quote:

"They told me to pick up a little blue car. They didn't say anything about a little blue man!" - Big Fat Liar



There Is Nothing Cooler Than:

Carving your initials in the cement in front of your house before it dries.



Failed Advertising Slogan of the Day:

"Cialis - it's for your cock!"

Natural Selection

I grew up in Maine and the beautiful thing about life in the Pine Tree State was a season that I refer to as Natural Selection. It happened every year, just like clock work, it was a phenomenon that you could count on.

Natural Selection would begin in November with the start of hunting season. All the rednecks would take their guns and go out in the woods and look for things to shoot. Rednecks, guns, woods and alcohol are a dangerous cocktail. It didn't take more than a few days for you to hear about the first case of Natural Selection - a hunter shooting another hunter. Bingo! Instantly, there is one less redneck in the gene pool. You could count on a couple more rednecks being taken out of the gene pool by the end of November.

Then, just when you think it's over, Natural Selection would hit its peek in late December or early January. Winter would be getting its icy grip on the land and the rednecks who survived hunting season would switch to snowmobiling. It never took long for a redneck to drive out on a lake and plunge through the ice. One was never enough, you could count on 3 or 4, maybe even 6 or 8 other fools taking themselves out of the gene pool before the ice hardened up.

That is what is wrong with the South, Natural Selection is reduced to hunting season only. This means that too many rednecks are still in the gene pool, knocking up other rednecks and making baby rednecks to carry on. Of course, I have a solution to this problem. :-)

I propose we take all the people who go to sporting events and then call their buddies and wave to them on TV and shoot them. This is going to take some work, perhaps they can create a new Federal Government agency for this purpose. Someone has to watch each televised sporting event and keep track of all the people who wave in the background while the game is going on. Then this info, has to be sent to the arena in real time, so these people can be rounded up before the event ends. You would have to tell them they won some sort of prize and to report to the far, far, far parking lot immediately after the game. Then you shoot everyone who shows up. Bingo, less rednecks in the gene pool. They should start this program immediately at Yankee Stadium.