Ode to A Ho

It was three-hundred

sixty-five days ago,

That I said goodbye

to that dirty ho.



She used to call

ten times a day.

And talk and talk

with nothing to say.



She gave me migraines

and caused me grief.

Now my headaches are gone

what a relief!



The sex I miss some

it was good, not great.

Now it's been months

since I've even had a date.



Do I miss her a little

no, far from it.

Oh yeah, and the drapes

never matched the carpet!



Random Movie Quote:

"They told me to pick up a little blue car. They didn't say anything about a little blue man!" - Big Fat Liar



There Is Nothing Cooler Than:

Carving your initials in the cement in front of your house before it dries.



Failed Advertising Slogan of the Day:

"Cialis - it's for your cock!"

Natural Selection

I grew up in Maine and the beautiful thing about life in the Pine Tree State was a season that I refer to as Natural Selection. It happened every year, just like clock work, it was a phenomenon that you could count on.

Natural Selection would begin in November with the start of hunting season. All the rednecks would take their guns and go out in the woods and look for things to shoot. Rednecks, guns, woods and alcohol are a dangerous cocktail. It didn't take more than a few days for you to hear about the first case of Natural Selection - a hunter shooting another hunter. Bingo! Instantly, there is one less redneck in the gene pool. You could count on a couple more rednecks being taken out of the gene pool by the end of November.

Then, just when you think it's over, Natural Selection would hit its peek in late December or early January. Winter would be getting its icy grip on the land and the rednecks who survived hunting season would switch to snowmobiling. It never took long for a redneck to drive out on a lake and plunge through the ice. One was never enough, you could count on 3 or 4, maybe even 6 or 8 other fools taking themselves out of the gene pool before the ice hardened up.

That is what is wrong with the South, Natural Selection is reduced to hunting season only. This means that too many rednecks are still in the gene pool, knocking up other rednecks and making baby rednecks to carry on. Of course, I have a solution to this problem. :-)

I propose we take all the people who go to sporting events and then call their buddies and wave to them on TV and shoot them. This is going to take some work, perhaps they can create a new Federal Government agency for this purpose. Someone has to watch each televised sporting event and keep track of all the people who wave in the background while the game is going on. Then this info, has to be sent to the arena in real time, so these people can be rounded up before the event ends. You would have to tell them they won some sort of prize and to report to the far, far, far parking lot immediately after the game. Then you shoot everyone who shows up. Bingo, less rednecks in the gene pool. They should start this program immediately at Yankee Stadium.

What Was I Thinking?

I do stupid things from time to time, especially when money is involved. The biggest one over the past year was buying a non-refundable ticket to visit my girlfriend in Hungary - yes, the country. I got a sweet deal on it - $786 American, with Austrian Airlines. (Orbitz, baby.) Of course, me n sweetie are no longer an item so I canceled the flight and I have a $786 credit with Austrian Airlines which expires at the end of July. A lot of good that will do me.

Austrian only flies to one European city from either of their two US Destinations (DC and NYC). If you guessed Vienna, Austria, you are correct-o-mundo! And flights over the summer, the peak travel season to Europe, start at around $2,200. So it looks like I am eating this one unless I wanna add another $1,400 to my losses.

Let's dig out the instant replay:

* I bought a non-refundable ticket
* I chose an airline that has no domestic destinations
* The only place I can fly directly to is Vienna, Austria
* It is gonna cost me another $1,400 to make that happen

What was I thinking? If I had only ponied up the extra $22 for the cancellation insurance, doh! You know what they say: "Hindsight is 20-20" and "Love is blind." I will just toss this one up to Joe Penis. I gotta stop letting him make all my travel plans!

Random Movie Quote:

"I'm gonna call you 'frog'. Cause you're cute like a frog and I wanna jump ya." - Smokey and the Bandit

Rant of The Day:

This one goes out to the ladies. For the love of God, do not shave your eyebrows off and then paint them in. No matter what your "best friend" tells you, it does not look good, it looks RE-TAR-DED!

There Is Nothing Cooler Than:

Hitting a game-winning home run - with a pink bat - with your Mom in the stands on Mother's Day. Happy Mother's Day to all the moms out there!