Don't Believe the Hype

You know what I am talking about, the Olympics. This was supposed to be our year, we were gonna be rolling in gold medals, it was practically a sure thing. Names like Miller, Ohno and Kwan were ready to deliver. Bode Miller said he would compete for 5 medals. Nope, he didn't win a thing, he didn't even qualify for a couple of his prime events. I think Bode stands for "Been Out Drinking Everywhere" because that is apparently all he wanted to do in Torino. He even said he wouldn't change a thing if he could do it all over. Dude, do us all a favor and crawl back to where ever you are from. Bode is from New Hampshire, a state that is as overrated as he is.

Not all our efforts were futile though, or in Bode's case non-existent. We won a bronze in curling. I actually watched some curling but I decided it was just a little too boring for me to watch. I think it would keep you on the edge of your seat if you were stoned. The huge rocks they slide down the ice are even called stones, maybe that is why. (I know, the "stones" are actually called "rocks" but the joke doesn't work that way.)

A guy named Seth Wescott won a gold in Snowboardcross, a brand new Olympic sport. Seth is the classic Olympic athlete - honored to be able to compete, proud to represent his country and humble in victory. Oh yeah, Seth Wescott is from Maine. Them Mainers, they are some wicked decent! Come on, don't be shy, say it with me now: Fuck New Hampshire!

Random Movie Quote:

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." - Say Anything

Almost, So Close, Not Quite....

We were so close, we nearly got through the winter unscathed, until yesterday. The forecast all day Saturday was for 6 to 12 inches of the white stuff. Yucko, that can't be good. No fear, seeing is believing. I have lived in DC long enough to know that just because they predict a foot of snow doesn't mean we will get a foot of snow.

It was looking pretty good last night. When I went to bed around midnight, we only had about an inch of snow. I was stoked. They got it wrong again I thought to myself. I came very close to writing up a blog last night and calling all the weather prognosticators fools. "Crazy dreamers who have nothing else to do but to waste out time." For once I showed some restraint. Good thing!

I woke up this morning and opened up the curtains and this blinding whiteness greeted me. Holy cow, there is friggin' snow everywhere. It must have snowed like crazy after I turned in because we have 10 inches of the white stuff on the ground now. (Yes, I am a dork, I went outside with a ruler and measured.) So, for once they got it right.

The good news is that it is supposed to warm up later this week. 54 degrees on Wednesday, 57 degrees on Thursday and a whopping 60 degrees on Friday. So all this white stuff shouldn't be around for too long. But remember, seeing is believing.

Mad Money

Ever seen this show on CNBC? It's an hour long show about picking stocks hosted by a guy named Jim Cramer. They play the show like 6 times a day, so you could be flipping channels at 2am and you would have a pretty good chance of running across Mad Money. This show is literally about buying this stock and selling that stock, not something your average American should be doing in my humble opinion.

They definitely named the show correctly, because Jim Cramer is a total mad man. Now don't get me wrong, he knows his stuff and he would probably make you some money if you could sit through his show everyday. That is the part that I can't handle. I can tolerate about 4 minutes of him before I want to gouge my eyes out with a salad fork. He is just a little too excited and cheezy (yes, cheezy with a Z) for me to become a disciple.

As I watch him, I find myself wondering what makes him so over-the-top crazy. Is he just that genuinely excited about stocks and investing? Is he hopped up on crystal meth? Did he just take some Viagra with a Red Bull chaser? I don't have the answer, so you will have to tune in and see crazy Jim for yourself. If you figure it out, let me know. See how many "booyahs" you can stand, my limit is 8.

Advertising

It seems to me that advertising these days is getting way out of hand. There is hardly a shred of truth to many of the ads I see on TV on a daily basis.

The one that annoys me the most is the "Tacoma - Meteor Proof" ad in which a Toyota truck is supposedly struck by a meteor (which would actually have burned up in the earth's atmosphere) and comes through without a scratch. Then they flash up "Tacoma - Meteor Proof" on the screen and in tiny little letters on the bottom they tell you this is a dramatization. Uh, yeah, duh. It annoys me that they can get away with even suggesting that their truck is meteor proof. That is total BS. If a meteor hit that truck it would be in sand size fragments scattered for miles and miles. The FCC was on Janet Jackson's boobie like a calf on a teat, so where are they now?

An ad that I actually find offensive - and I am pretty laid back about everything - is an ad for beef jerky. I can't remember the company, so their ad didn't work on me, but they show this helicopter flying low over the Australian bush and all these people running around like wild animals. Then, they start shooting people with tranquilizer guns so they can tag their ears and such. That is some messed up shit right there. How did they let this get on the air? Hello, FCC, stop staring at Janet's nipple, put your pants back on and get back to work.

Another ad that I hate is only on during the holidays, but it is on every year like clockwork. The Lexus ad that asks you to buy your significant other a new car for Christmas. Wait, what - can you repeat that? You want me to what? There is nobody in the world I love more than myself and I wouldn't even buy me a car for Christmas! And people wonder why the U.S. has a zero percent savings rate, hello!

Now if you will please excuse me, I have to get back to "The Champagne of Beers" before it warms up and tastes like feet.

Lisa, Lisa (The One I Adore)

Recognize those lyrics? That is from the rhyme master Pauly Shore but the Lisa I am talking about is Lisa Loeb. She is a stone cold, hottie in my humble opinion. Who else ever made you want to date a librarian?

Poor Lisa is looking for love and the E channel must have thrown some duckets at her because they are taping her search. The result is the show "#1 Single" on E. I happened to catch the premiere episode tonight as I was flipping channels. ( I would watch a show about Lisa buying fruit at the store, so I was hooked right away.)

According to the E-online website this is what she is looking for:

"Seek intelligent city guy (NYC or L.A.) between 30-45. Must be smart, funny, sensitive (not wimpy), adventurous and family oriented. Preferably Jewish. No diets, no fake hair. Healthy and active a plus. Must love cats."

So let's see where I stand:

* Intelligent - yes!
* City guy - well, sorta. I live in the burbs, which some people (Charmaine) think are lame, but I can get by in the city.
* NYC or L.A. - ouch, nope. I think NYC is evil, well mostly just the Yankees, and I have never been to Cali.
* Between 30 and 45 - yes! and I am on the low end of the scale, bonus!
* Smart - well yeah!
* Funny - damn straight, I am a friggin' riot!
* Sensitive (not wimpy) - totally me!
* Adventurous - fo' shizzle!
* Family Orientated - ummm, well, potentially!?!
* Preferably Jewish - nope, I dated a Jewish gal though, does that help?
* No diets - OK, you're the boss Lisa.
* No fake hair - no snickers bars on my head, thank you very much.
* Healthy and active a plus - more bonus points for me!!!
* Must love cats - ouch, I have more of a "tolerate" POV on cats.

Dang it!!! It doesn't look like I am Lisa's soul mate. We'd go out for a while, and then she would figure out that I really don't love cats and then she'd break my heart. Maybe she was talking about the musical?

Born on the 4th of July

Have you ever learned a bit of trivia, a "fact" if you will, that is totally trivial in nature, but really just bums you out. This could be something like your ex is engaged or the guy who replaced you when you got fired from Starbucks is now the general manager of the place. In reality, your life is no worse or no better for knowing this information. It is completely irrelevant, but you feel like crap anyway.

This type of thing happened to me recently. I suppose, the saddest thing about this whole deal is that this small bit of trivia escaped my attention for so long. Perhaps, I heard it once, but I then instantly blocked it from my memory. What has traumatized me so? I recently learned that I share the same birthday as our bumblin', stumblin' president - George W. Bush. Yup, ole W. and I were both born on July 6th.

Now W. has been president for 5 years, so I am amazed that I hadn't heard until recently that we share a birthday. The only other famous person I know who shares our birthday is Sylvester Stallone - the Italian Stallion! Now sharing a birthday with Rocky is pretty cool, but I really don't want to share a birthday, or anything really, with President Bush. So I have decided to celebrate my birthday on July 4th for at least the next couple years. My dad and my brother-in-law both have their birthdays on July 4th, so I figure I can just weasel in and maybe no one will notice.

Technology

All this technology that we are exposed to is supposed to make our lives better. I am cool with that, I love my digi camera. Heck, I can make my own porn if I want to (and have a willing female companion). But, somebody, somewhere screwed up big time recently. Here's how:

I got an application for the Borders Visa Credit Card from Chase Bank. It says on the application - in big bold letters: "The Visa for Book Lovers!" - this is too funny. All these billions of computers on the planet and nobody ran the old "Does he buy books screen?" before they sent these bad boys out.

The last book I bought was a Stephen King book - sounds respectable right? I know what you are thinking - "His books are huge - like 500 pages. Wow, this guy must love to read." No, not exactly. It was a Stephen King book on The Red Sox - "Faithful" - the story of the 2004 Season. [Screw you Johnny Damon! - sorry, minor tangent there.] "Still, that is a pretty solid sized book", you say. True, but it was a gift - for my mom.

Now it says right on the application, in the tiny print that no one reads, that I was "prescreened" to receive this offer. Next time fellas, run the damn screen and save yourselves 39 cents. Those things on your desks, those are computers and they work best when you turn them on! Now if you will excuse me, I have a date with the shredder.

Speed Limit 55!!!

Growing up, the Speed Limit on the highway was always 55. My mom would always drive the speed limit, no matter what it was or where she was going. My dad would adhere to the speed limit in a general, roundabout sort of way. That is until mom would notice that he was speeding. Then she would then tell him to "slow down, Marty!" He always obliged, for a few miles at least.

There was this one spot on the Maine Turnpike, just North of Augusta, where the highway goes up over a little ridge and another road passes overhead via an overpass. On this particular overpass, the MTA (Maine Turnpike Authority) bolted up this big electronic sign that said "Speed Limit 55". The catch was, it only lit up if you were speeding, to slow people down. You had to be going a good ways over the limit for it to light up, 65 would do it, but I am not sure that 62 was fast enough to light it up.

We only went through this area two or three times a year. Us kids always egged my dad to "light up the sign" as we went by. It was a special moment for us to see that sign light up. Having "Speed Limit 55" flashing in big red neon letters was the highlight of many trips to my grandparents house. It didn't matter if we were in our 1970 Pontiac, the 1980 Chevy Impala, my dad's 1983 Mazda SE-5 pickup or our 1987 Chevy Blazer - my dad would always oblige.

They took the sign down after the speed limit was increased to 65 sometime in the 1990s. (Nice energy policy!) But you can still see the holes in the concrete and see the faded paint where the Speed Limit 55 sign once was. I always smile as I drive North and see my favorite overpass and I remember all those trips when I was young.

January 6, 1996

Does anybody remember why this date is significant? "Anybody, anybody..." That's right, it was the day that I moved to Virginia from Maine, 10 years ago today - er - yesterday. Oh yeah, it was also the day The Blizzard of 96 started. Good times!

I distinctly remember driving across the Woodrow Wilson Bridge for the first time about 6:00pm, looking off to the right to Old Towne Alexandria and seeing the George Washington Masonic Memorial all lit up - although I had no idea what it was at the time. And way off in the distance - Washington, DC.

We, I came here with a fiancee, ended up in Kingstowne where we crashed with some friends. Our first meal was at Damon's, right in Kingstowne. As we walked outside, slightly inebriated, after our inaugural meal the snow flakes were just beginning to fly.

We drove 720 miles to leave the snow and cold of Maine behind us and what greeted us in Virginia? Record snow and cold - oh joy! When the snow stopped falling on Monday the landscape looked eerily familiar to the one we left behind, except for the Virginia license plates on the cars.

Ten years later I am still here. Somewhere along the way I lost my fiancee, she still lives locally, we just don't hang out or talk or anything. Overall, I have enjoyed my first ten years in NoVA and I look forward to the next ten.

Hibernation

The first 13 days of December 2005 have re-enforced my long standing belief that Winter sucks big time! The only answer that I can come up with - besides moving to Tuscon, Arizona - is hibernation. If I could curl up around December 15th each year and snooze straight through to the middle of March, that would be sweet! Yeah, sure I would miss out on Christmas and all the loot it brings my way and New Year's too - like I don't drink enough already? But missing out on days when the high temperature is say, 29 degrees would be more than enough compensation for that. How many days until spring? Agghhhh!!!

Kristmas?

Living just outside of DC means that I am neatly informed about the goings ons in our wonderful Federal Governmental institutions - whether I want to be or not. This week I have learned there is quite a controversy brewing over whether the decorated, 80 foot tree on the lawn of the US Capitol is in fact a "Holiday Tree" or a "Christmas Tree". Officially, it has been a "Holiday Tree" for many years, but this year Dennis Hastert wants it to be called "The Capitol Christmas Tree" as it was BATPCBSS (Before All This Political Correct Bull Sh*t Started).

Frankly, I don't care what they call it, but it does seem that one of the long standing traditions of Christmas is a tree loaded with lights and decorations. You can call it whatever you want but we all know it is a Christmas tree. Actually calling it a Christmas Tree does seem to be a dangerous course of action in our litigious modern society. You know there is some moron out there who will sue the government if they call it a Christmas Tree because he does not celebrate Christmas and he is morally and religiously offended. So, calling it a Holiday Tree does seem to be the prudent and politically correct thing to do. Seems like there are probably a good 30 to 40 million US citizens who don't celebrate Christmas, one of them has got to be a lawyer.

While I certainly understand the implications of this important controversy I am more concerned that Congress tackles these types of debates instead of ACTUAL issues. Don't they have other things they should be doing besides analyzing the tree on their lawn? Stop staring out the window boys and girls, recess is over! No, don't go back to steroids in Baseball again. Who gives a rat's ass if Rafael Palmerio lied or took steroids or cross dresses on the 2nd Tuesday of each month! Why don't you examine why gasoline goes up 10 cents at a time but only comes down one cent at a time. Efficient market, my ass - that has "Collusion" written all over it! Or perhaps the daunting question of what happened with our pre-war intelligence on WMDs in Iraq. Did they make all that stuff up or was our intelligence just totally wrong? Again, it doesn't matter because either answer is unacceptable, just find out and fix it!

Don't even get me started on Hanukkah or is it Chanukah? Figure out how to spell it and then you can get back to me!

The Weather Channel

I can watch the Weather Channel for hours on end, especially if there is a hurricane or a blizzard or some other weather event going on. There is something exciting about knowing what the high temperature in Peoria, Illinois is going to be two days before the day after tomorrow. (That's for you Skillz!)

Boy do those people get excited about the weather. They even make their correspondents go outside when "extreme" weather hits to tell us what is going on. "Yup, it's raining and very windy as the hurricane approaches, back to you in the stuuuuuddddiooooo." I am amazed they haven't lost a few people this year with all the damn hurricanes we've had.

There is one guy on there that I worry about though, good old Jim Cantori. He is waaayyy too excited about the weather. Especially the prospect for bad weather. If there's a blizzard forming or a hurricane on the way - he is genuinely excited. He will always give you the worst case scenario - "Lots of people stand to lose power from this storm". It is like he is wishing bad things to happen to people. I think he may actually have a woody as he sits behind his weather desk. Then again, if I was sitting next to Sarah Libby, Jen Carfagno or Hillary Andrews I would too.

Music Pimpin'

Wow, it is amazing how the world of music has changed over the past dozen years or so. I heard a song on the radio today by Train - "Get To Me." It is really catchy and I am sure it gets a bunch of airplay, but the first time I heard this song it was in a cell phone commercial many, many months ago. Five years ago, this song would only have been in a commercial months or perhaps years after it was a big old radio hit. Not so anymore, this song was in a commercial and that finally got it airplay. This song is from 2003 but is just getting popular now.

Ten years ago, they wouldn't have used an actual hit song, they would have doctored it up a bit and used that for a commercial. The best example of that I can think of is Toby Keith's "Big Ol' Truck" was pimped into "I'm A Ford Truck Man" - sad but true. There are dozens of other songs suffered the same fate and their commercial alter egos are all just as forgettable.

Bands are just pimpin' themselves out all over the place these days for a shot at some dead presidents. How many bands does "One Tree Hill" pimp out in each episode? Seems like they pimp out a dozen songs in every damn episode. (OK, now you know I watch "One Tree Hill" like a pre-teen school girl.) It used to be taboo for a band to have a song used in a network TV show. They were considered sellouts for that kind of exposure. Now it can jump start someone's career.

Oddly enough, the first TV show I remember doing this was.........drum roll please...............Beverly Hills 90210! They were pimpin' the Bare Naked Ladies back in 1997, the Goo Goo Dolls in 1995 and good old Jamie Walters waaaayyyyy back in 1994. Like I always say - everything I learned, I learned by watching 90210!

"I just scored the most righteous job of the summer!"

Totally Obnoxious

Terrell Owens is the epitome of what is wrong with professional sports, business, music and society in general in this day and age. It's all about me, me, me - look how great I am. Screw you, let's talk some more about me - I am truly gifted.

I am totally impressed that The Eagles gave him the old heave-ho! This is an unprecedented move in the world of professional sports. It is good to see a team take a stand against obnoxious behavior for a change.

So T.O. has been a self absorbed jerk for like 10 years (why do you think the 49ers let him go?) but suddenly, today he has turned over a new leaf. Magically, now that he is no longer being paid, he is ready to be a team player.

The sad thing is that there are dozens of other players just like him in the NFL, NBA and MLB. Which is worse - Albert Pujols standing at home plate watching his homer leave the park or Joe Horn hiding a cell phone in the pad of the goal post to celebrate a TD catch? That is like asking which team is better The Tampa Bay Devil Rays or The Colorado Rockies? They both suck!!!

The Guvernator

Election day is right around the corner and the hot race in my little patch of the world is the Governor's race here in Virginia. Now I am not the least bit into politics, frankly I feel which party controls the Senate has very little impact on my day to day life. The Governor's race here in VA is supposedly a tight one. There are "Kaine" and "Kilgore" signs everywhere, "On Every Street" as Dire Straits would say. The funny thing is that neither candidate lists the party they represent on their signs or in their TV ads. It doesn't say "The Republican candidate for Governor" or "The Democratic candidate for Governor" anywhere in any media I have seen for either candidate. Are they that embarrassed about their political affiliation? Shouldn't these guys be excited that they are their party's choice for the highest office in our state? It doesn't seem to me that they are. Come on fellas, show us some sack!

The death penalty is supposedly the hot button issue of this race, but the issue that I think is interesting is the widening of I-66 inside the Capital Beltway. Kilgore is saying that he will get that done. I don't believe this promise for a second. I still remember Jim Gilmore's promise in 1997 to get rid of the car tax. People bought it and he became Governor and 8 years later I am still paying a car tax. It is easy to make false promises when you know you will not be the one who has to take responsibility when they are not fulfilled.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and......um......well.....you're not gonna fool me twice".